Rate my Young aAthor's Night Project please.

[Slyde]

I do realize that it is just a whole bunch of crap written in a mysterious format so it makes it look like it means something. Bear with me though, as this is a
3 month project all squeezed up into one hour. Here it is, please rate it.


I'm on my way home. I'm riding my skateboard straight to my Home.
On the way I see life, and the struggle that accompanies it. The youth, rushing to grow up, wanting to be 21 so they can go party, have "fun", sex, and smoke. When in reality, they shouldn't rush to get grown, drive slow homies.
Death fills the air, around every corner I turn, every alleyway, every park, it's always there. You see, over here, it's different. It's not a beautiful place, and I'm rushing to get through this. Atlast I see a light, and I'm free of this horrid place.


( A day later )

At least here the people are nice. The place isn't wealthy, and there are large quantities of illiterates here. POVERTY is basically written on everybody's forehead. This matters not to them, you see, money DOES NOT bring happiness. It can, of course it can, there's no doubt that it can, but you will undoubtedly find something free and never-ending joy incorporated with this. Whether that be your parents, your wife, your pet. Always cherish what you have. In Home, it's not like over here, Home is perfect, this is a good place, but I will not stay here.

( Evening time, same day )

I now wander the streets of the wealthy. They mock me as I roll by in torn jeans with a ripped shirt. I pity them, they are constrained. Almost like if their own money encaged them and drowned them with greed and sorrow for eternity. If that is the price of money, I'd rather be like the people in the last town. Death reeks here as well, in a different scent though, almost as if it blends in with the environment wherever it is. *BOOM* It sounds as I fall heavily to the ground. Next to my face, money lies. I immediately backed up in disgust. I get back on my skateboard ready to head Home. I realize, almost an hour later, that the reason I backed up from the money, was because that's where the scent was coming from. The only scent that follows me around everywhere. Death.


( The next day )

I'm closer now to Home. I feel it. You see, you don't understand. Home is not Florida, Home is not New York, Home is not where the money lay, nor where the money is short. Home is not on this Earth. I'm talking about Home in your own heart, in your own existence. I will not explain what Home is like, why won't I? Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. You will no for yourself, when you reach Home.




This short story was very strongly inspired by a song called "My Way Home" by Common.
(Lyrics)
They say home is where the hate is
My dome is where fate is
I stroll where souls get lost like vegas
Seen through the eyes of rebel glasses
Pray to god that my arms reach the masses
The young smoke grass in grassless jungles
Rubberband together in cashless bundles
We wear struggling chains
Divided only hustle remains
Making sense of it we hustle for change
Revolution ain't a game
It's another name
For life fighting
Someone to stay in they corner like Mike Tyson
Hypes fighting for hits to heighten they hell
Don't he know he only get as high as he fell
Show money becomes bail
Relationships become jail
Children are unheld
I wish love was for sale
Behold the pale
Horse got me trapped like r. kel', I bail and it-

Might not be such a bad idea if I never, never went home again
I'm on my way home
I left three days ago
But no one seems to know I'm gone
Home is where the hatred is
Home is filled with pain and it
Might not be such a bad idea if I never
Never went home again.

[Slyde]

Pretty please with a cherry on top?

[skizzate]

Uh, well it looks fine. I'm not sure how you are supposed to write it or what you are supposed to be writing. Give some background on the project, it would make it tons easier to help grade.

[Slyde]

^
Good idea.

The assignment was basically just to write about anything you want, that is minimum about 4 pages long, this one up here is 7 pages long, in big font atleast. :D

What did you think about the overall style though?

Please, be brutally honest.

[Super_Skater]

Please, be brutally honest.

I doubt that this is the place to get your school project evaluated, and to tell you the truth I don't think anyone will actually bother reading this, let alone, grade it.

[luckysk8er1991]

^^^ he is probably right. im just bored and i didnt really read all of it (just like the first paragraph. and from what i read you need to check your grammar. other than that it was weird? i couldnt really understand it. but i just read the first paragraph. sorry im no help. but seriously GRAMMAR CHECK

[skizzate]

I like the style of it. Starts off explaining what you are trying to get across. Some parts remind me of a story line or something, maybe even a poem, but it all comes back to the original plot. It is confusing and kindof jumbled, but I think it will get you a fine grade. Not bad bro.
What grade are you in and what is this for? I'm not used to the whole write what ever you want format.

[BlindSkater]

I liked it... i don't get why no one else did. I was born to a poor family. I was once doing well by my family till my dad lost his job. We fell back to poverty. We tripped, fell, but you know what, we realized taht money isn't the key to a happy life, so my dad got a job that he sorta likes a little, got back on our feet and here I sit. Sure I'm still poor, but hey, if money means that I turn greedy and shameful for a unhappy life (I know a few people that are rich and unhappy, Not all of my rich friends but a few), then I don't want it. I'm happy right now and thats all that matters.

Basically what I'm saying is that this piece actually gave me a reason to be happy with myself. It helped me see that money isn't all once again and that sure I might always be poor but eh, who gives a damn. You mock me and I see what you really are.

[GrindKr3w]

Yea i read the first and second paragraphs and that was all I wanted to read. I thought you had way too many commas too. (Made it frusterating to read)

[Slyde]

OK guys, thanks alot for the comments. I understand the grammar you guys were talking about. I was trying to use a different style than what I normally do, to try something new and exciting. Of course I liked it, because it's mine, but I'll try and adjust somethings. You're probably right, no one wants to read this anyways. Lock please?

[novascotiaskate]

Well, I guess for being 14 it's decent.
Home really doesn't need to be capitalized, as I'm sure the reader see's the significance of it being a place of safety without the capitalization. Get rid of *BOOM*, and I would leave out times of the day. Commas are missing or being misused here and there. When you wrote "...large quantities of illiterates here," quantities is definetly the wrong choice for the style of the story. Fix this:
"I realize, almost an hour later, that the reason I backed up from the money, was because that's where the scent was coming from. The only scent that follows me around everywhere. Death."
Really confusing. Also, I don't know if you picked up where you used no instead of know, but it needs fixing. Quite a few grammer issues.
I'm to lazy to correct anything else. I'd advise spending another 1 or 2 on it, and teachers HATE it when you use big fonts, as it shows you really didn't spend a lot of time on it and are hoping they are to stupid to realize the word count is low.

[Slyde]

Well, I guess for being 14 it's decent.
Home really doesn't need to be capitalized, as I'm sure the reader see's the significance of it being a place of safety without the capitalization. Get rid of *BOOM*, and I would leave out times of the day. Commas are missing or being misused here and there. When you wrote "...large quantities of illiterates here," quantities is definetly the wrong choice for the style of the story. Fix this:
"I realize, almost an hour later, that the reason I backed up from the money, was because that's where the scent was coming from. The only scent that follows me around everywhere. Death."
Really confusing. Also, I don't know if you picked up where you used no instead of know, but it needs fixing. Quite a few grammer issues.
I'm to lazy to correct anything else. I'd advise spending another 1 or 2 on it, and teachers HATE it when you use big fonts, as it shows you really didn't spend a lot of time on it and are hoping they are to stupid to realize the word count is low.

I did fix alot of the grammar and the overage of commas here and there. I did pick up the no instead of know. The corrected version is now in my teachers hands though.

I hope I did atleast, a B.

Thanks for the comment novascotiaskate.

[Ramp]